I recently got back into therapy again after years of distrust toward healthcare professionals because of some traumatic experiences from the past, and after an hour of intense word vomiting my therapist leaned forward and said, "Tiffany it sounds like you have had such an overwhelming year and past few months, I really think you need a break. When I say break, I mean a real break." Those words stuck with me even after the session, and I went home after to cry a lot in the toilet (which is the only place I can cry in peace in my house).
It also got me thinking about the different meanings of "break", and different modes of "breaking".
I am writing this because I want to be honest about not being able to be always an active presence within the collective. I also write this because I feel like there is something very valuable about being able to be honest with people who are in this group. Of course it is without say that we all have our own unique battles to fight, but I also feel a kind of closeness to many people here in a sense where I feel we also share common struggles that might be invalidated by many others who are not bi+. There is that comfort of being honest with you folks that I genuinely embrace, but yet to be very honest (hah) this honesty is incredibly hard to articulate. Like many people (I suppose), I often struggle with piecing my thoughts into coherent sentences. But maybe unlike most folks these thoughts of mine present themselves to me as peculiar images (sometimes abstract, sometimes concrete, other times in-between the two), or colours that overlap or mix with one another in confusing ways I cannot explain in words I know.
Some people have asked me why I haven't organised anything for the month of January, or why I have been somewhat inactive in the collective's group chats, as well as other queer events. A lot of it was that I really just needed a break (and still need it) because in many ways I felt like I was 'broken' or am 'breaking', for multiple reasons. The idea of a 'real break' is so complex in itself, and so very difficult, I felt it so much while taking the break. I remember I told my therapist that when I do mentally tell myself to take a break, I feel like I hardly am taking one at all? We take breaks because life breaks us, but because life never takes a break from breaking us (well, my life sure doesn't) in various ways we cannot take proper breaks. It's all very confusing to me, and perhaps will always be.
I am also compelled to write to show immense gratitude to all who are part of this collective, and have never stopped giving me genuine love, encouragement and support. Writing is the only way I know how to. It really means the world to me, and I really am positive about this new year! There are many things on my mind that I need time (and breaks) to sort out, but I do have plans for the collective that frightens, excites and motivates me (simultaneously, yes!).
Well, that's all I have for now. I am proud of myself for writing this, and I would love to hear from some of you if you have any events/activities you would like to plan and take charge of. Me taking breaks doesn't mean that folks within the collective cannot step up to create their own spaces! I would be happy to discuss your ideas and initiatives. Please do message me on our FB page, or pop me an email at thebipluscollective@gmail.com :) You can also Telegram message me if you have my Telegram username.
Thank you so much for reading this if you are, and I hope to see more of you this coming year at some of our future events hehe
Much love to everyone as always,
Tiffany