I wanted to start a bi/bi+ specific community/collective for a while now, and I am glad it's finally happening! Some people have asked me why there is a need for a bi/bi+ specific community in the first place. This is my story, and why it had pushed me to start this collective:
I will always remember the very first time I opened up an all-female adult magazine my mother had so carefully tucked into the depths of her drawers when I was about 9 years of age because that was the first time I had ever laid eyes on a naked woman (or like, you know, a hundred of them, many of them in sexual positions). I distinctly remember the way it smelled- more specifically it smelled like an unhealthy mix of sex, arousal and more importantly, guilt. I remember the sound of my heart pumping furiously through my ears, my palms sweaty from being too nervous and my body shaking from both excitement and confusion. I had consciously realised that it was a feeling I had never felt before, which made it terrifying as hell. Before I knew it I had wet my pants. I quickly and very violently shut the magazine, stuffed it back where it came from and immediately ran down to wash my underwear with detergent. I scrubbed it so hard that I ripped a small hole in it, and my hands were bright red with friction marks. I did not even know when and why I started sobbing.
After that experience it became somewhat a weekly ritual. Every Friday evening after school when my parents were not home I sneaked into their room to look at the magazines (yes, I had found a whole trove of them, and not just one!). And every single time I would wet my pants, abruptly close and put them back where they belong, scrub my underwear (no more holes, though!), cry and hate myself. This routine would carry on for the next half a year or so, until I told myself I needed to stop because I felt like it was "dirty", "abnormal", "immoral" and "wrong" for me to feel this way about other women.
When I was around 11 I started to like a boy in tuition who told me my eraser was cute. I immediately thought myself to be "normal" again, and heaved a sigh of relief every time I catch myself thinking about him, or secretly staring at him (in the least creepy way possible, of course) across the room during class. When I was 12 it happened yet again, this time another boy from another class. 12-year-old me also learnt about masturbation (through a Meg Cabot book haha), porn and what I considered "real sex". I started out with only masturbating to straight porn and straight erotica (from books) because I thought that was all human beings were "meant to do". More importantly I had witnessed my first lesbian porn (accidentally!) scene few months after and God I never thought I could feel any more guilty after an orgasm. After I did it to lesbian porn and had women-related fantasies for the first time I cried for two hours straight, and convinced myself I needed to be punished for my sins. I scratched myself with the scissors blade to remind myself never to do it again. From then on every single time I wanted to think of women or watch them have sex I started to tremble and cry, and never failed to deter myself by inflicting pain onto my body. This went on for years and years after. Over the years I had developed short crushes on people no matter their genders- males, non binary folks, females (I had crushes on older women too which was super tragic knowing nothing would come out of it haha). I've always been more attracted to non-men than men, but that never invalidates me as a bisexual individual (though I thought it did - *and still do, now!* - and as usual I was, and still am, utterly terrified).
I think I cried and wished to hurt myself so much at night when everyone else was asleep or in my bathroom behind locked doors mostly because I was severely depressed and suicidal, but this was partly because I was so utterly lost and confused. I had never come across the concept of bisexuality- I had never heard it in school, the news, my friends, never read about it in books, newspapers etc. I only ever knew of individuals who were gay or lesbian. I just thought I was... well, super weird and abnormal, and I hated myself too much because of it. It didn't help that my mum had told us that if she found out if any of us were gay, she would immediately send us to get medication from a psychiatrist (at that time I was already seeing a psychiatrist, so... why not?).
It was only in first year of university in the U.K. that I finally could gradually come out to myself because I found out other bisexual people also exist. I decided I needed to stop hating myself as much for it, and the first time I watched lesbian porn and did not cry or punish myself for it after I actually started tearing up, but for a completely different reason. It was empowering, liberating and so very wonderful. I even ended up writing my undergraduate dissertation on bisexual activism, and I got to meet 20 very, very wonderful Bi/Bi+ participants who really inspired me to feel more comfortable in my own skin and identity. It was only in final year of university I fully accepted myself for who I was and am - a legitimate, valid bisexual woman (I'm shaking and tearing up just writing this). One of the only times I had attempted to "come out" to a Singaporean in the same university as me in the U.K. she told me I should stay far away from her in case I started to "like her" (People have such inflated egos, really). I asked her if she liked all men she spoke to and she said "No of course not! But still...". I ended up saying I was "only joking". From then on I became extremely fearful of coming out. I still am working on this, though I believe I am less fearful now I guess (and hope!). Till today I still am not out to most people in my life, except for a select few. When I got myself a boyfriend I was scared I was not "gay enough" to assimilate with the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community, and was terrified of being rejected by the straight community. This really caused me (and still does!) a lot of anxiety. I sweat cold sweat and my palms get clammy just thinking and feeling like I'm not "straight or gay enough" to be part of anything haha (it's still something I am working on, so yes, I'm trying)
Bi-invisibility is a real issue across the globe, but I think it is even more pressing here in Singapore. The LGBTQIA+ community, in general, is already very much a marginalised group of people in Singapore, and I argue that this poses an even greater danger of bisexual/bi+ erasure and invisibility. We are constantly erased, slighted and sidelined, more often than not by both the homo and heterosexual communities. This is despite the fact that research (Dobinson et al., 2005; Lewis et al., 2009) has constantly shown that bisexual individuals report poorer mental health compared to heterosexuals, gays and lesbians, including higher levels of anxiety and depression, which should and need to be a greater concern for both hetero and homosexual communities. I will be writing up another more detailed piece on bi/bi+ specific issues and problems that need to be addressed, but for now, I'd think this is already a legitimate enough reason to put in more effort to combat biphobia, erasure and invisibility.
Many times we exist only as a hidden 'B' in the acronym LGBT. But many of us exist, I am sure. I only can wish I had a community to fall back on when I was struggling with my sexuality whilst growing up to let me know that being bi/bi+sexual is perfectly okay, and that my identity is completely legitimate and valid. I wished I knew there was no need for me to feel any guilt, shame, or hatred of and towards myself. Thus it is quite self-explanatory why I wanted so very badly to start this collective. Not only do I aspire to improve bi/bi+visibility in Singapore (aka letting people know we exist and are valid!), I also wish to give support/validation to those who are struggling like I did, and also give all bi/bi+ individuals a safe and shared platform to celebrate our identity as bi/bi+ individuals!
So.... Please do like and share our new Facebook page (@thebipluscollective / The Bi+ Collective Singapore - TBCSG) with everyone and anyone, and remember we need to #MAKEBIVISIBILITYGREATAGAIN :)
For now, Bi (bi bi)
Tiffany.
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Dobinson, C., MacDonnell, J., Hampson, E., Clipsham, J. and Chow, K. (2005) 'Improving the access and quality of public health services for bisexuals', Journal of Bisexuality, 5(1): 41-78.
Lewis, J., Derlega, L., Brown, D., Rose, S. and Henson, M. (2009) ‘Sexual minority stress, depressive symptoms and sexual orientation conflict: Focus on the experience of bisexuals’, Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 28(8): 971-992.